Daniel Dickison

Fly away, dear loved one. Just don’t go too far. Twinkle when you’re up there From that radiant star. Let us feel you in the wind of the summer breeze. Dance amongst the daffodils Growing under trees. Be the bees in the garden. Be the slickness of the koi. Be the laughter of your loved ones. Let your memories bring joy. Rise above us, friend. Make the sounds of stormy weather. So that we might reminisce Our time here on earth together. Let us hear you, Loved one, In the rustling of autumn leaves. In the drip drip of the morning dew Falling from the eves. Be the bees in the garden . Be the slickness of the koi. Be the laughter of your loved ones Let your memories bring joy. A poem for Daniel, written by Alicia Holt.

Daniel, you are a spiritual Being of Divine Intelligence, Divine Love, and Divine Power. Your body is returned to the Earth. Your emotions soften and dissipate. Your thoughts quiet and let go. And the pieces of our love for you, the pieces of your light, are everywhere now. You are One with God. You are one with creation and destruction, with no ending and no beginning. You will never be alone or separate. There is no edge where my soul ends and yours begins. May we be filled with peace and acceptance, and the courage to release you from your Earthly ties. Go in peace, and may you be divinely protected on your journey as you pass from this world to the next. Gate, gate, para gate, Para sam gate. Bodhi Svaha! Translation from Sanskrit: Gone, gone, gone to the other shore… Landed at the other shore… Amen The Resting Journey_read graveside by Michelle Miller

I met a shaman once from the Lakota tribe, and she taught me about something called Owl Medicine. Native American tribes consider animals to be sacred, and each animal has individual properties, which can be applied to how we live life, how we heal, how we communicate, the type of work we do, and so on. Owls have a peculiar ability to see in the dark. They can turn their head in every direction. When they eat, they swallow the whole thing, and their body takes what it can use, and then what happens to the rest? To be plain…they “give it back”. My cousin Daniel Dickison and I shared something. We both had a bipolar disorder diagnosis. It’s a way of experiencing the world that many people cannot understand or imagine, and it’s something like Owl Medicine. To understand who my cousin was underneath, I feel like it’s important to understand what he was carrying on his journey. Daniel was a gentle soul. He wanted to believe in the good in other people, even when he had trouble seeing it in himself. He was creative, loved music, dogs, and animals. We were the closest cousins in age and grew up seeing each other a lot at Grandma’s house, playing with Solovino and feeding that dog walnuts like dog food didn't exist. I always thought of him as a nerdy goofball who was curious about the world. He was shy. Life was not always as kind to him as he was to others. He went through some difficult spaces in life. I remember the day Daniel messaged me and told me about his diagnosis. He was beating around the bush at first and didn’t outright name what it was. I think he was used to the stigmas and the lack of education most people had around his condition, and he was testing the waters… Seeing if he would be accepted or rejected… But I knew what he was talking about. I knew the symptoms, the medications, the prognosis… I think he was relieved that someone else had been there. That someone else told him honestly what it’s like for many people. That sometimes it will feel awful, even when medicated, and that perseverance was key for a chance at feeling better. He held on for a long time afterwards, and I want to acknowledge the effort he put forth because I’ve been there and I know the exhaustion and disarray of bipolar disorder looks like laziness from the outside to some people. So Daniel, you did a good job with the tools that you had. It was enough. It was what you could do. I love you and it doesn’t depend on whether or not you won the battle in this life. You deserved love and peace and you still do deserve it. The life expectancy of people with bipolar disorder is 12-13 years shorter than the average person. They are 6 times more likely to die early from external causes and twice as likely to die due to physical illness. Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in people with severe mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder. When you think of bipolar disorder, what comes to your mind? The image of someone who is manic? Moody? When people ask me what it feels like, it feels like an owl. You take in everything from every direction…all the stimuli, emotions, thoughts, stories…and then your body and brain have to process it. In a world that has so much potential to be nourishing, you swallow the whole thing. When there is depression, it feels heavy…slow…you emotionally ate too much…we walk in the dark and feel things that many people avoid. It feels exhausting. Sometimes it feels like your own sadness has attracted the sadness of a hundred people. Or your frustrations have been amplified, not by reasons or events, but by the simple energy of anger itself. People ask you why and you have no answer… It’s as if you had an emotion, and it was so strong, that at the end you didn’t even know if it was yours… In some spiritual practices, it is described a bit like when we have cracks…it is not only the light that gets in. The other side of depression is mania, and the rest of the time, a person with bipolar disorder exists in the space between… Washing back and forth…fearing the next wave sometimes… Sometimes you can’t tell what is living half a life and what is calm. Not everyone experiences the peppy mania that makes some people think they can fly. Hypomania is a type of mania that involves frustration, anger, and irritation. If your irritated emotions are fire, hypomania happens when jet fuel is added. Mania looks more like excitement and dopamine overload running at high speed. Your body, words, and mouth sometimes can’t even move fast enough to keep up with your ideas and your brain. Some of the most profound artists in the world have had this condition, though I wouldn’t call it the most productive state to be in. Sleep is extremely difficult and you burn hard until you burn out. For every high comes the low, and usually depression follows. My experience is that all types of mania feel like an electrical surge and overload in the brain. It feels like a brain on fire. It feels like an IV drip of adrenaline. I can’t speak to what types of symptoms and at what levels Daniel experienced them. I know he dealt with very severe depression, and like many people with mental health struggles, he experienced things that may have made him feel isolated and alone. The episodes associated with the condition are difficult to deal with on the inside and for the people on the outside. I wish things could have been different for him. Another bipolar friend of mine was laid to rest just a couple years ago. It’s not kindness to sweep their struggles under the rug, even after they’ve departed this world. If you want to remember Daniel’s positive qualities, remember that he had to be an absolute warrior to survive his own brain. Remember that mental health struggles are something we have, not something we are. If you want to do something in Daniel’s memory, look to the other people in your life who are still living and struggling. Make it ok that they exist and that they’re not perfect. People in your life are going through therapy and medication. If you don’t know anyone who is, time to pay attention and be a kinder space…because they are, and they aren’t telling you. The most basic expression of loving kindness is do no harm. We try to isolate pieces of someone and say that we’ll remember Daniel as “that little kid”, but we have to make sure that’s not because we feel ashamed of who he was as an adult. He lived a life. A whole, but short life. And it wasn’t always perfect. It just was, and he was still loveable. I miss you, cousin. I love you. Even though we didn’t talk enough at the end and I was struggling too, I will always have kind thoughts towards you and nothing but hugs. I know you did a good job with what you had. This is our time for grieving, but for you it’s finally time to let the light in. You deserve it. Eulogy by Michelle Miller

When I come to the end of my journey_ And I travel my last weary mile_ Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned_ And remember only my smile_ Forget unkind words I have spoken_ Remember some good I have done_ Forget that I ever had heartache_ And remember I've had loads of fun_ Forget that I've stumbled and blundered_ And sometimes fell by the way_ Remember I have fought some hard battles_ And won, ere the close of the day_ Then forget to grieve for my going_ I would not have you sad for a day_ But in summer just gather some flowers_ And remember the place where I lay_ And come in the shade of the evening_ When the sun paints the sky in the west_ Stand for a few moments beside me_ And remember only my best_ -Author Unknown